Life and Death

It has taken me almost a year to be able to write this post because every time I tried to write it down, it hurt too much.  Love is painful.

One of my friends died almost a year ago.  A sudden death.  She was pregnant with her fifth child.  She went for a walk with some of her children and was stung by an animal.  She had an allergic reaction and went into a coma.  Later it was discovered that she also had an aneurysm which gave her a death sentence.

I saw her a few days before she died.  I was returning some books that she lend me.  She returned some of mine. I think she loved reading as much as I did.  We became closer when she had a child with disabilities. Our friendship was growing. That day, we agreed to see each other a few days later.  That was supposed to be two days before the incident happened.  I never saw her conscious again.  I put my busy life before that get- together.  Oh my goodness, I still regret it.

The accident happened on a Sunday.  I saw a post on Facebook from another friend.  She was asking for prayers for a young mom that was not breathing and was on her way to the hospital.  I never fully understood the praying for other people part until that day.  I still had trouble accepting that prayer is an act of love; accepting that we need help and that there is a God that cares about me and is waiting for me to ask. After all, we make our own decisions. True love is not forced.

I went to church and prayed for that lady.  I didn’t know why, but I did.  After Mass, I stayed there, still thinking about that her. I felt a connection that I couldn’t understand.  I then saw one of my mom friends walking towards me.  She looked sad.  She came to me and said, “Our friend is in the hospital.” I instantly made the connection.  I remember how I started crying.  I wanted to scream. How could it be?  I just saw her a few days ago.

I was allowed to visit her at the hospital, so I thought she was going to get better, but when I arrived, I was told that I had to say goodbye.  Only a miracle could save her. Sometimes a miracle is not what God wants or should I say what is better.  It is one of those hidden truths that so many people have trouble accepting, including myself. It is difficult because we long for control over our lives, but so often what we want is not what we need to be happy. I would never have had so many children.  Probably only two. I “accepted” to have as many as God wanted.  I now see how my children changed my life for the best.  I would have missed so much happiness and love.There is a God that knows better. Still, it is difficult to accept it.

I wish she had not died, but she did.  Nevertheless, thanks to her death, I learned not to take anything for granted and to appreciate life.  I still struggle doing my best, but I don’t want to live with any more regrets. I now pray with love for my beloved ones and for those that I do not know because at the end, we are all going to die. Everybody is looking for happiness.  Money, fame or whatever pleasure fills our lives doesn’t make us completely happy.  Only loves does. Even when it hurts.

Are they all Yours? Part II

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Depression is a living Hell.  You see life moving around you, but you cannot be part of it, at least the way you want to.  I wished to finish my Master’s, but I couldn’t.  It is a completely desperate feeling.

My first-born son didn’t stop crying.  Many family members came to help the new parents, but nobody was able to console him.  The pediatrician said it was colic.  With what I know now, I think he had sensory problems.  The fact that I was depressed didn’t help him.  It was a horrible experience that I want to forget, but there is something to be learned from it.  What?, you may ask  Well, keep reading.

In the worst moments of my life, I have always seen how my whole little world can be turned upside down and there is nothing I can do about it, at least in earthly terms.  These are the times when I have to decide whether if I am going to keep on living that way or whether I am going to let God take care of everything.  Of course, I am stubborn and get angry at God.  This has not been the “perfect” life that I had always imagined.

Time passed and the post-partum depression faded away.  I became pregnant with my second son.  Oh boy!  Little did I know how this baby was really going to shake my life, but to new heights.  I was already expecting to have a baby that cried all the time and to feel miserable.  What else could be worst than that? If you are asking yourself why I didn’t see a psychiatrist, well I didn’t know I was suffering from post-partum depression at that time and I didn’t want to accept that I needed help.  That is a common symptom in people that suffer from mental illness.

Well, this new baby slept and barely complained.  It was the opposite from the first one.  Then, when we started waiting for the baby to reach developmental milestones like crawling and sitting down, he never did.  That is how our life changed again to one full of doctor visits and therapies.  Everything was a struggle for the poor baby. When he turned one and a half, he was still having trouble walking and spoke no words.  If you have read articles in the newspaper or watched the news, you may have an idea of what else was wrong with him.

My husband finished his federal clerkship and applied for a job in Washington D.C.  He got the job and we moved to Virginia with a two- and- half- year- old and a one- and- half- year- old.  My little one became more immersed in his world and he wasn’t interested in communicating with us.  The oldest one became extremely active and prone to accidents.  He was always looking for that sensory input.  He couldn’t be left alone for one second.  Yes, toddlers are active little things that can kill themselves in an instant. Naps were taken on the floor with me by their side and the door locked.  You get the idea!

I have to say that God is good.  Even when I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, he was always there.  I will explain why.  I took a job as a preschool teacher, so the kids would be able to socialize.  There I met many wonderful people who recommended a nearby pediatrician.  This doctor just retired a few years ago, after seeing my boys for more than 8 years.  He was always there for me.  He gave me the referrals to the best specialists.  He is the reason my second son was diagnosed with autism at an early age in one of the best places that knew how to deal with the condition 10 years ago, when there wasn’t enough information about it.  So yes, God is good and is always with you, every step of the way.  Especially during those hard times when I hated him and asked, “why me?”  When things get hard, I whine like a little toddler!

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Spring Pictures/Fotos de primavera

IMG_0170IMG_0135 IMG_0137 IMG_0146 IMG_0155 IMG_0158 Photographing my kids provides lots of enjoyment and keeps my life on check.  It reminds me that time flies and I cannot do anything to stop it.

El tomar fotos de mis hijos me provee una gran satisfacción. Igualmente, mantiene mi vida en perspectiva.  Me recuerda que el tiempo vuela y no puedo hacer nada para detenerlo.

A Miracle

A few days ago, while I was picking up the phone, one of my daughters moved the fence that serves as a barrier to the stairs. When I turned around, I see my baby’s little legs on the edge of the
stairs. I dropped the phone and started running towards him, but I was too late. He fell down 13 hardwood inclined steps. A mother’s nightmare.

We took him to the E.R. and the doctor said that it was incredible how he only got a little bump on his forehead. This was due to the fact that he slid down the stairs without rolling.

Also, as we are leaving the E.R., we see our pediatrician.  What an amazing coincidence.   He reassured us that the bay was just fine.

Definitely, the Virgin and his Guardian Angel were protecting him.

Lesson of the day: pray more and give thanks.

Preparing for Christmas

This year, I have tried to do things differently as we prepare for Christmas.  The kids have been able to focus more on helping their siblings and getting ready for the birth of Jesus.  Of course they are fighting some of the time, but they apologize afterwards. For me, that’s what counts.

We prepared a bed for Jesus  which they are filling with strips of paper every time they perform a good deed.  It has been difficult for them, but they are so proud when they overcome their weaknesses.

We have also been decorating the tree with Jesse Tree ornaments which don’t last long.  Cata enjoys ripping them.

I haven’t finished sewing some presents, but we still have Three Kings Day.

My three year old with autism laughing.