It has taken me almost a year to be able to write this post because every time I tried to write it down, it hurt too much.  Love is painful.

One of my friends died almost a year ago.  A sudden death.  She was pregnant with her fifth child.  She went for a walk with some of her children and was stung by an animal.  She had an allergic reaction and went into a coma.  Later it was discovered that she also had an aneurysm which gave her a death sentence.

I saw her a few days before she died.  I was returning some books that she lend me.  She returned some of mine. I think she loved reading as much as I did.  We became closer when she had a child with disabilities. Our friendship was growing. That day, we agreed to see each other a few days later.  That was supposed to be two days before the incident happened.  I never saw her conscious again.  I put my busy life before that get- together.  Oh my goodness, I still regret it.

The accident happened on a Sunday.  I saw a post on Facebook from another friend.  She was asking for prayers for a young mom that was not breathing and was on her way to the hospital.  I never fully understood the praying for other people part until that day.  I still had trouble accepting that prayer is an act of love; accepting that we need help and that there is a God that cares about me and is waiting for me to ask. After all, we make our own decisions. True love is not forced.

I went to church and prayed for that lady.  I didn’t know why, but I did.  After Mass, I stayed there, still thinking about that her. I felt a connection that I couldn’t understand.  I then saw one of my mom friends walking towards me.  She looked sad.  She came to me and said, “Our friend is in the hospital.” I instantly made the connection.  I remember how I started crying.  I wanted to scream. How could it be?  I just saw her a few days ago.

I was allowed to visit her at the hospital, so I thought she was going to get better, but when I arrived, I was told that I had to say goodbye.  Only a miracle could save her. Sometimes a miracle is not what God wants or should I say what is better.  It is one of those hidden truths that so many people have trouble accepting, including myself. It is difficult because we long for control over our lives, but so often what we want is not what we need to be happy. I would never have had so many children.  Probably only two. I “accepted” to have as many as God wanted.  I now see how my children changed my life for the best.  I would have missed so much happiness and love.There is a God that knows better. Still, it is difficult to accept it.

I wish she had not died, but she did.  Nevertheless, thanks to her death, I learned not to take anything for granted and to appreciate life.  I still struggle doing my best, but I don’t want to live with any more regrets. I now pray with love for my beloved ones and for those that I do not know because at the end, we are all going to die. Everybody is looking for happiness.  Money, fame or whatever pleasure fills our lives doesn’t make us completely happy.  Only loves does. Even when it hurts.